How to show Nigerian love by ELNATHAN JOHN

To quote D’Banj, “love is a beautiful thing”.

I have not met the man, but I know he meant Nigerian love, which is a species totally different from the heresy practised by oyibo people in the name of love. Our love is not of short-lived flowers and long meaningless walks in the park. As a person dedicated to your hustle, I have undertaken to provide wisdom that will protect you from falling into such heresies.

This is how to show Nigerian love.

Nigerian love is pragmatic. Words are a waste of time. Every true Nigerian knows how little the words ‘I love you’ mean. Except of course you are in Europe and need to quickly marry someone to get residency. Nigerian love is a very material concept. When you hear rich couples attend events and say those nebulous words, ‘I love you’ to each other, what they do not tell you is how they really say it. God will judge them for trying to mislead new couples. 

Cook for your man. Nigerian wives know this already. But lovers need to learn: A thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of egusi soup, complete with meat, ‘assorted’ and okporoko. Present it steaming with semovita or if you can, pounded yam. You will not need to say anything. He will wear a smile that says ‘I know you love me’. His friends, on learning that the wondrous dish was made by you, will proclaim, ‘O boy! Dis girl like you well well o’. In Nigerian pidgin, to like ‘well well’ is to love practically and ‘o’ as an intensifier for ‘well-well’ has no real English equivalent. The closest I can say is that it means love to a superlative degree.

Cooking for him entitles you to show your love in another very important way: checking his phone. So, you have cooked for him and he has shown his gratitude by sweating profusely and promptly falling asleep on your couch. This is the time to dive for his phone and read all his text messages. You will find something. If you don’t, go through his call records- you are likely to find calls to or from an Amaka after he said he needed to rest last night. Whether you choose to further show your love by harassing him about it immediately, or choose to hold on it as part of your arsenal during your next big quarrel is up to you. You know what works best for your man.

Loving Nigerian men always pay. There is no exception to this rule.  Not even if she has watched plenty DSTV and pretends that she wants to split the bill. If a Nigerian girl offers to pay reject it like Jesus rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread. Don’t even act like it is a discussion. Ignore her attempts at checking her purse and quickly settle the bill. This is true love. This also applies if she is out with one, two or three friends. Whether you choose to show your love quietly, by excusing yourself and going to settle the enormous bill, or with panache, by screaming, ‘How much is MY bill?’ is up to you. You know what works best for your woman. 

As a loving Nigerian woman, never ask who his female friends are. Even if you find him in a compromising situation with a woman who refuses to greet you. Nigerian love ignores such things. It makes excuses on his behalf- she may be his colleague, business partner or member of his prayer group. Nigerian love is good like that. This doesn’t however mean that you can do the same. Nigerian love has very gender specific rules. They do not apply both ways.  The only exception to this rule is if the Nigerian man does not ‘pay’. 

Deny her the company of any male who is not her relative. This is important. In Nigeria, a jealous man is a loving man. If she is on the phone, watch her demeanour. If she is excited, ask her who it is. By ‘who?’ you mean all the details- name, gender, nature of relationship, process and length of acquaintance, subject of conversation, the whole works. She knows this. You own the franchise of her happiness and no other man is allowed to make her laugh on the phone. If you fail to do this, even she will begin to doubt your love. You cannot afford to let this to happen.

Never ever, as a Nigerian man do stupid things like go into the kitchen to cook. This is forbidden territory. Not even if you are starving and she is on the bed complaining of cramps. There is no better way to truncate your romantic hustle than doing the dishes after she has spent hours making your favourite dish. This is like jumping into a river with concrete slab tied to your neck. There is no recovery from it. God will judge all the foreign film makers who have introduced the dangerous illusion of this being a romantic thing. In fact when you answer the door and it is your neighbour asking if you have a baking tin or big pot, vehemently deny knowledge of anything that goes on in the kitchen and ask her to hold on for your woman. It will be a tragedy for you to introduce doubts about your masculinity in your woman’s mind. May God protect us from tragedies. 

It is my hope that as you enjoy foreign romance movies or romance novels, you do not get carried away by them. Stick to my advice and God will bless your romantic hustle. 

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The Dreaded Friend Zone

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Ever heard of the friend zone? I bet you’re in one now, but I hope for your sake you’ve never had to feel what it’s like to be there. #Oh the horror!!!. 

 

 In popular culture, the “friend zone” refers to a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other does not. Let me break it down for you ” it’s a place beautiful women put men who they decide they could NEVER date, sleep with or simply carry out any type of physical relationship with” so basically you’re fucked.

 

The Friend zone is basically a pre-emptive rejection, I’ve landed in the friend zone MANY TIMES *covers face* at a point my buddy @ifeabunike nicknamed me “mayor of the friend zone” from the television sitcom Friends. Yes I was that damaged

 

The friend zone apart from being a guy’s worst nightmare still has some benefits but it sounds more like brochure you’d read for a super-shitty hotel in the bad part of nigeria 

 

Come check out the “friend zone” today!!! During your stay you’ll get to

  Listen to a beautiful girl vent to you about all of her ridiculous little problems

 Do little favours and chores for her as she pleases

 Deal with constant rejection from her

 Constantly and woefully attempt to raise yourself up as she often teases and puts you down

 Not kiss her

 Sleep alone, in your bed, most likely thinking about her (while she spends her night with someone else, not thinking about you for a second)

Watch her flirt with other guys right in front of you, playfully chatting with them and establishing a connection *tongue out

Live in a state of complete irrational hope, constantly thinking “oh am getting closer to her, I just need to turn the corner then she will fall for me

 And even have her ruin the rare chances you get with other women.. Right when she sees that someone might steal her faithful servant she pounces in there and starts to do things that will make you think she just realised how much she likes you and your dumb ass will fall for it.

 

*evil grin* Please enjoy your stay with Us

Mine wasn’t that bad, atleast I had friends who knew what she was doing and told me, but still the fear of losing her kept me where I belong and will always belong in her life “the friend zone”. I stayed there for close to 3years hoping we’ll work something out.  

 

Friend zone means holding her shit while she shops for underwear you will never see her in.

A lot of people are currently in the friend zone without even realising it. Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship. Scary right? You better be scared. NIGGA NOTHING FOR YOU! NOTHING!!! 

 

The woman enters the house followed by a guy. The guy is all smiles thinking that great acts of intimacy are about to occur. But, alas, the woman launches into a rant about men.

 

“My ex-boyfriend was such a jerk,” she began. “Why is it that men treat me so roughly?”

 

The guy then transformed into Mr. Sensitive. “There, there,” he purrs. “They do not know how great you are! You are beautiful, lovely, enchanting, dazzling in every way, and they are idiots when they cannot see it.”

“You are so nice! What a friend you are!” she squeals. “Let me tell you more of my problems with men…”

And so the guy, who was excited because great acts of intimacy would occur, leaves severely disappointed with a hollow feeling echoing throughout him. “I thought that through friendship, love would eventually spring. How wrong I was! A friend she sees, a friend you be.”

 

When he entered the house, the guy noticed a sign above the door. At the time, he was too excited to even CONSIDER reading it. Now that he was leaving, he read it. “So true!” he cried. For the sign above the door read:

 

Friend Zone – Abandon hope all ye who enter!

Well like I said before, the dreaded ‘friend zone’ gives you the benefit of assessing some things, like whether or not a relationship may truly ‘fit’ in the lives of two people. 

Do you want to learn how someone communicates?

Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

 Do you want to learn how someone operates under adversity? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

Do you want to learn the habits of a person? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period of time.

The ‘friend zone’ gives two people the opportunity to build a foundation before adding any other complexities into the relationship (i.e., sex, commitment, other superficial expectations).

Fuck that shit !!!! Dude expect you’re that good in building attraction don’t let yourself fall into this zone. But wait seriously how does a guy even set out pursuing active friendship with a girl? What have you been smoking?

Experience has taught me that working and waiting for a woman’s ‘settlement’ isn’t worth it!!!!!! 

You wanna change things right? Grab your crotch, you still got your ball? Then act like it. 

When you meet a woman you’re interested in, I want you to first consider this:

 should I really be interested so soon? What has she done to prove her worthiness of my interest? Apart from looking good, which will always be in their arsenal.

So now go ahead, talk to her, have fun with the conversation, bring emotion into the interaction, don’t play it so safe, don’t worry so much about her liking you.. Is like playing an ever-growing tennis match, you’re playing with each other, you guys start of close to the net volleying, testing each other out,

You take the first step, moving back from the net a little bit, she returns the shot, as she takes a small step too.

That’s her showing her interest too, you can take it up a little bit, taking another step as you move towards ground strokes instead of volleys. And then she does the same, you can kick it up even more. Make sense?

If you serve the ball and she’s there mopping like uju abanya, pick your tennis and use the door please!!!